


the feeling i get

by jaeyongficfest, n_kei



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Coming of Age, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Romance, Humor, Introspection, M/M, Obliviousness, slight angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-22
Updated: 2020-10-22
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:22:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27143768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaeyongficfest/pseuds/jaeyongficfest, https://archiveofourown.org/users/n_kei/pseuds/n_kei
Summary: Taeyong thinks Jaehyun has a crush, or is incredibly heartbroken when he sees Jaehyun staring forlornly out the window, a waft of his white flower and peat candle permeating in the air and By All Means’ Love Lies playing in the background. Jaehyun thinks Taeyong is either pulling his leg or is incredibly daft when he asks Taeyong out on a date because Taeyong agees, only to also offer dating pointers for Jaehyun’s ‘actual date’ in the same sentence.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Lee Taeyong
Comments: 22
Kudos: 214





	the feeling i get

•• •

**PART 1**

• ••

²⁰¹²

Falling goes something like this.

Jaehyun walks into the trainee dance studio with his heart in his ears and excitement and anticipation in his veins. He never would’ve expected to be accepted as a trainee for one of the big three, let alone to start training right after he passed the auditions.

If he was honest, he wasn’t immediately blown away when he was flagged down by the recruiter at the front of his school. She hastily gave her elevator pitch as he half-heartedly accepted her card, ignoring the jabs from his friends, then slid the contact into his pocket. It wasn’t until later that evening that he took it out of his pocket, pushing it across the coffee table under his mother’s nose.

“What’s this?”

Jaehyun cleared his throat, shrugging awkwardly. “I was approached by a woman who claimed she worked for this company. She asked me if I was interested in becoming a singer.”

That earned a puzzled expression on his mother’s face. She gestured for him to sit beside her on the sofa. He sat obediently. “What do you think?”

Jaehyun didn’t know what to think. He spent the better half of the 4 hours since receiving the card mulling his options over, but he was at a loss. At school when he was assigned the form ‘future aspirations’ he always put down something in the academics, like following his parents’ footsteps.

They did everything right, had a family, and were well-to-do. It was a lifestyle Jaehyun could see himself fitting into, if he studied hard enough.

This opportunity would throw those plans right out the window.

There were obvious cons that immediately came to mind. For example, bullying, working for long hours, stress, and the rare breed of sasaengs following his every movement- that is, if he was able to debut. If he wasn’t, he’d be training for five, eight years until the wait no longer justified the goal, and it was time to move on.

That was not to say he never entertained the idea of becoming a singer. He knew he had some potential when he half-heartedly hit some low notes that made his friends gasp and grow quiet when he went to karaoke with them. He also knew that being an artist, no, being an idol for SM Entertainment meant that he’d be dancing a lot, learning new languages, expanding his horizon. His voice could reach thousands upon thousands across the world, the same way all artists under SM Entertainment did.

It was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

It wouldn’t hurt to try.

He pursed his lips and shrugged again, the corners of his mouth quirking up. “It could be interesting, I think.”

His mother smiled like she’d expected as much. “It doesn’t guarantee that you’ll pass the auditions.”

“I know.”

“Do you want to be a singer? An idol _?_ After all the horror stories you see on the news?”

Jaehyun shuffled his feet, looking at the muted television in the corner of the room. “I know about the news, but. Well. If I don’t try I won’t know if I’ll like it.”

She searched his eyes for something, then a soft smile brightened her face. “I’ll accept this, as long as you don’t slack in your studies as you train under SM Entertainment.”

And that was that.

Weeks later, he was asked to visit the training centre in Cheongdam-dong for his audition, where he performed EXO Mama’s choreography, piecing together his awkward movements and honey vocals for the best result he could pull together in the short time.

To his surprise, he passed.

It brings him to this point, this very point in his life where he’s facing the door to SM’s infamous dance studios. He doesn’t know what to expect but knows he should maintain his positivity and manners, or his mother would have his hide. He doesn’t hesitate to push the doors open, even as a knot forms in his stomach and his palms grow damp.

Fluorescent light streams into his eyes as music belatedly registers in his ears. He squints to see a lone figure at the centre of the room, obviously stretching. The boy looks up at the noise, and their eyes meet.

It’s like falling from a great height into an ocean with a force that should by all accounts crush his bones upon impact, but instead enveloping and pulling him deeper. There is such strength and resilience in those eyes that Jaehyun almost forgets to greet the other boy. He smiles instinctively and bows, just as the boy does. When Jaehyun looks up again, there is a small quirk to the corner of the boy’s lips. A strange feeling sparks in Jaehyun’s chest.

“Hello!”

“Hi, what’s your name?”

A soft voice. Maybe he’s a singer, like Jaehyun. He looks like Jaehyun’s age too, maybe a bit older with the confident way he carries himself.

“Jeong Jaehyun. What’s yours?”

“Lee Taeyong. Are you a new trainee?”

Jaehyun grins. “Yeah. I was told by the front desk to come to this room. I’m a bit early though.”

Taeyong nods. “It’s fine. I was stretching.”

“Oh. Can I join you?”

There is a brief pause when Taeyong gives him a once over, like he’s being judged in front of a panel. The knot in his stomach tightens. Finally, Taeyong says, “Sure,” and waves Jaehyun over.

Taeyong guides him through the basic stretches as he scrolls through the playlist on his phone. They don’t really talk much, only exchanging shy looks in between stretches when their eyes meet in the mirror. A few minutes later, other trainees and the instructor stream into the room and class begins.

The instructor starts with a series of core exercises and drills, and Jaehyun’s t-shirt soaks all the way through. It’s a good thing his mother reminded him to pack an extra t-shirt. He catches up to the pacing and format of the class easily enough that when they reach the dance segment, his eyes begin to wander to the boy he spoke to earlier. Lee Taeyong.

Taeyong’s hair is long, his eyes are wide and round, his lips are heart-shaped. He definitely has the looks SM Entertainment would debut. But the most surprising realization comes at that moment when the instructor starts teaching choreography.

“The first move is called the Brooklyn Bounce. Here are the key things to watch out for,” calls the instructor over the music. Jaehyun jolts from his staring, trying to bite back a grin.

Taeyong is _abysmal_ at dancing.

It makes Jaehyun hold back his laugh. A boy so composed and stern, seemingly taking himself too seriously is actually _bad_ at dancing. He was the one who led Jaehyun through the stretches! Jaehyun keeps these thoughts, and the grin, privately to himself as he follows the instructor’s moves, occasionally glancing at his own reflection to check how he looks. He doesn’t look in Taeoyng’s direction after that.

•• •

**PART 2**

• ••

²⁰¹⁵

Falling goes something like this.

Rap lesson. Vocal lesson. Dance lesson. English lesson. Chinese lesson. Etiquette lesson. Rinse. Repeat.

Jaehyun feels his brain leak out of his ear as he tries to stay awake through his morning classes. After all, he switched to Seoul Performing Arts High School for the purpose of furthering his progress at SM Entertainment. But he’s only had five hours of sleep, and Korean History can be so _boring_. He hides a muffled yawn behind a hand, and squints at the notes on the blackboard.

It’s no use. He can feel himself slipping-

The school bell rings. He jumps, pretending he wasn’t falling asleep, and collects his books.

It’s been three years of SOPA, and he hasn’t really gotten the hang of how tired he’d be. His schedule is packed from morning to afternoon, wherein he’ll take an hour commute to the Cheongdam-dong training centre to take more classes until he’s fully and completely drained. Had he known it’d be this hard to keep his promise to his mother, balancing training and school until graduation, he would’ve given the opportunity a second thought.

One thing that keeps him going is singing. He’s fallen in love with the vocal lessons. In the room where he can only hear himself, he sings his heart out. Sings all the songs he knows, then sings to those were assigned to him by the vocal instructor. It’s a gratifying way to widen his scope of music. Soon, he sings comfortably with the music, learning the way each singer breathes and expresses emotions through the song, how seamless and suitable their techniques are.

It isn’t until one day when he’s singing under his breath, that Taeyong notices.

“Wow, you have a really nice voice.” Jaehyun shakes out of his thoughts to Taeyong’s wide eyes staring at him. His cheeks redden. The corners of Taeyong’s mouth quirks up and he gives Jaehyun’s nape a squeeze. “Keep it up, Jaehyunnie.”

Jaehyun pushes himself, doing run after run after run, gaining better control of his voice, colour, phrasing, and emotions. With hard work and lady luck on his side, Jaehyun may even have a chance to debut.

He hurries to the training centre.

“Jaehyun-ssi!” Calls a voice over his shoulder as he checks into the building.

He turns to see one of the trainee manager-hyungs waving at him. “Hi,” he bows hastily, before straightening up with a question in his eyes.

“The vocal teacher has an urgent personal matter to attend, so he won’t be able to make it to your class today,” explains the manager, Bonseung-hyung. “But there are slots available for dance and rap lessons. I was just explaining to Doyoung about the changed schedules. You can go together.”

Jaehyun nods slowly, trying to stop the disappointment from showing on his face. “Got it. Thank you, hyung!”

“Be good!”

With that, Jaehyun turns to the slightly taller boy.

Doyoung-hyung is two years older than Jaehyun, and officially enrolled in SM’s training camp a year after Jaehyun did. He boasts emotional, record-ready vocals, quick wit, and a gummy smile, but Jaehyun enjoys his honesty and sarcastic humour the most. He walks beside the slightly taller boy as they make their way down to the dance studios. By the scowl on Doyoung’s face, he’s probably not happy about the changing of schedules. It makes him look even more like a long-eared rodent.

“Do you have an extra tee?”

“Maybe.” Jaehyun digs into his bag with a slouch to his shoulders. There is usually an extra one somewhere under the textbooks...

“I’ve got one,” a familiar voice interjects.

Doyoung grumbles a thanks as he accepts the t-shirt from Taeyong. Jaehyun ducks his head to zip his bag up. When he looks up to meet Taeyong’s eyes, he defaults to a dimpled smile. “Hey.”

“Heard you’ll be joining our class today,” Taeyong continues with a slight crook to his lips, his warm hand pressing against Jaehyun’s nape. “Do you have extra clothes to change into?”

“Yeah, in my bag.”

“Look at our Jaehyunie, always prepared! Unlike Dongyongie here.” Taeyong’s hand moves to go around Doyoung’s shoulder. Jaehyun momentarily falters; he plays it off like he tripped on something. “What happened there, big brains?”

Doyoung shrugs off Taeyong’s arm and annoying cheshire grin, wearing his signature scowl. “For a rap and dance major you’re never prepared either, aren’t you? You always ask Jaehyun for an extra tee too!”

Jaehyun laughs sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. “It’s okay, I don’t mind,” he says as Taeyong argues, “I go through hours of training, which means changes of clothes. Notice the plural. I work harder than you!”

“Like hell you do! Let’s hear your vocal runs!”

Instead of singing, Taeyong escapes with a yelp and a laugh. Doyoung chases after him, and Jaehyun trails behind with a grin on his face.

When they enter the practice room, Taeil, Hansol, Johnny, Yuta, Ten and a few other younger trainees have already gathered and began stretching. Jaehyun quickly finds an empty spot and follows the group, while Taeyong steps to the front, following Hansol’s lead. Taeyong eventually takes over, playing songs they’ve previously learned before to practice those choreographies, improving muscle memory and team dynamics. Taeyong leads these practice sessions.

It was a surprise initially, when Jaehyun arrived at the practice rooms one day to see Taeyong already drenched in sweat and dancing like his life depended on it. He later learned that Taeyong has been putting in more hours than anyone else to become more flexible, exercise with the in-house trainers and take as many dance lessons as his schedule can possibly pack. Jaehyun sees that expression most clearly, because he sees it in his reflection too.

SM Entertainment, true to its idol-dream building promise, delivers the exact result. The lessons have honed Taeyong to be content with the validation he receives in the classrooms. It feeds into his almost-manic work ethic. Ever since the first day of dance practice where Taeyong, stiff as a board, almost tripped over himself, he’s not stopped working. Not for anyone or anything.

Eventually, Taeyong does the impossible. He takes it upon himself to push training, push practice, push everything he does until it is at a level that he deems enough. The catch is, to Taeyong, nothing he does is enough. Jaehyun can see the hunger in his eyes, the wild thirst for constant improvement and, wedged in between that and his self doubt is a narrow sliver of wanting to be recognized.

Taeyong accepts only perfection defined by SM Entertainment.

His tenacity and passion are quickly recognized and respected by the other trainees, urging them to work harder too and bringing the overall expectation to a peak, until a higher peak is defined, then he aims for that. His work ethic and perseverance are truly one of a kind.

Jaehyun, who observed this transformation over the years, stares in admiration when Taeyong’s dancing is recognized by choreographers from across the world. He never would’ve expected the wide-eyed boy from three years ago with the stiffest body could move like this; all sinew and fluid, powerful but malleable. It inspires Jaehyun to push harder; not only in dancing, but everything else too.

Weeks later, SM Entertainment announces Red Velvet’s debut.

The news buzzes through the training centre, filling the halls with excitement, nervousness and ramping anticipation. Everyone knows that Joohyeon, Seulgi, Wendy and Sooyoung have been chosen to debut. They were seen shuffling in and out of meeting rooms the entire week, each time a little tenser than the last. When they finally step on their debut stage for Happiness at Music Bank, while releasing their bubbly music video on Youtube, there is a collective sigh of relief.

However, this casts a shadow of tension on the boys who are anxiously waiting for their moment to shine.

Jaehyun feels that tension all the way to his stomach, twisting and turning. He and some of the others were already announced as SM Rookies, but there is still a chance that he won’t make the cut. So he pours in more time and hard work, honouring his commitment to the company and, more importantly, his future. He has proof of it; from the blood poisoning when the blisters on his feet don’t heal properly to the strain on his vocal chords when he stretches himself too thin, he’s expanding his boundaries. His effort shows, adding brownie points, says the unofficial trainee manager.

On those days, his parents would pick him up from the training centre, armed with a thermos of ginseng honey tea and patient smiles.

“Thanks, mom and dad.”

“Why are you being so formal,” his father chides lightly. His mother turns to him and says, “Stop talking and drink up! I don’t know why you push yourself this hard.”

The comment was made in a light tone, but Jaehyun understands his parents’ concern. Truth be hold, he doesn’t want to be left in the dust. He wants to debut with the people he’s grown close enough to call family. He wants to rise, to become a star, to experience fame like sweeping his hand across the milky way and tasting the stardust that lands on his hair, dripping down his temple like beads of sweat.

He wants it all.

Months later, his worries ease when he’s called into an office with his parents and three company representatives (his unofficial manager, the talent team leader and a lawyer). Everyone wore pressed suits except for him. He showed up in a simple black t-shirt and black jeans. It gets a little intimidating when they talk about the contract, what the group ‘NCT’ stands for, and how the salary breaks down. But once they get to the nitty gritty details of expectations and responsibilities, Jaehyun relaxes. He has an idea of what to expect of his life once he debuts; so this topic feels more familiar and concrete. It’s his territory.

The company offers Jaehyun two weeks to make his decision, but his mind is already set. His parents are aware too, because as they climb into the family car his parents turn to him, their expressions brimming with pride and excitement.

When they get home, however, the first thing his parents did was pull him to the living room and seat him on the sofa. His mother takes one of his hands in hers, wearing a wobbly smile. The corners of her eyes are wet but unshed.

“We know you’ve been killing yourself over this, and now that you have the confirmation,” she meets his father’s eye above his head, then he feels a large, warm palm patting his shoulder. He turns to his father, who wears a private, wide smile. Jaehyun’s cheeks immediately colour, being under the focus of such intensity. “We want you to know that a debut is not the end of learning. You have many, many more years ahead of you. So take your time, take a breath, and enjoy it as much as you can. Your happiness is important to us, as it should equally be important to you.”

Two weeks later, Jaehyun is invited to a day-long orientation and group photoshoot session. There he sees Taeil, Johnny, Yuta, Taeyong, Ten and Doyoung, but he’s aware Jeno, Jaemin, Donghyuck and Mark are considered as a part of this umbrella team called “NCT”. He grins from ear to ear looking at the branding and design on papers across the desk. It feels like his dream is manifesting into reality.

NCT. Neo Culture Technology.

Jaehyun feels at the top of the world. They _will_ dominate the world.

He looks around the room, grinning at the comforting, familiar faces, until it lands on the long hair, wide eyes, fairy-like face and nimble body of his newly-announced leader, Lee Taeyong.

The feeling of admiration in his chest grows into something stronger than immeasurable respect, close to reverence but not quite.

“You’re staring again,” teases Ten, reaching up slightly to flick the tip of his ear. “Oh look, your ears are turning red!”

Jaehyun jumps, hands shooting up to cover his ears. Ten cackles, and Taeyong shoots an arched eyebrow at them. Jaehyun waves it off, shoving Ten away with his other hand. Taeyong smiles before turning back to his phone. Jaehyun narrows his eyes at Ten, hissing, “Did you have to?”

“You make it so easy,” Ten replies, snickering. “Why would you feel embarrassed? Taeyong has that effect on everyone.”

Jaehyun looks away. “Because it’s rude to stare?”

Ten ruffles his hair with a grin “Uh huh, whatever you say.”

Jaehyun tries his best not to stare at Taeyong after that.

The practice session goes on for many, dreadfully long hours. Jaehyun swears he can’t feel his legs when he leaves the building. Still, he bows goodbye to the security when suddenly two weights fall on his back- Ten and Johnny. They drape their sweaty limbs all around him, sinking him with their weight and tired whines. He nearly falls on his face.

“Carry us, Jaehyunnie!” whines Ten, digging his nose into Jaehyun’s nape.

“Yeah, carry us!” chimes Johnny, wrapping his long arms around both Jaehyun and Ten. It gets disgustingly warm in seconds.

“Yah Johnny Suh-” Ten retaliates, peeling Johnny’s arm off his back.

Jaehyun grumbles and shrugs them off. He quickly takes out his phone, claiming he needs to call his parents like using a lifeline. The two leave him alone after that. He does call home, because his parents expect him to be home tonight, but he doesn’t have the energy for the hour-long commute. Luckily it’s the weekend, so he can crash at the trainee dorms with Ten, Johnny and Yuta. His mother, in a patient, understanding tone, tells Jaehyun to take care of himself and don’t stay up too late. Jaehyun mentally sets the curfew to 1:00 am, and bids his mother good night.

Johnny, Yuta and Ten are all over each other walking in front of him, while a figure lurks behind. Jaehyun looks back.

“Taeyong-hyung, I didn’t know you were coming with us!” He says with a look of surprise.

Taeyong shrugs a little, wearing a wry smile. “I was planning to go back to the studio for more training over the weekend. Best to stay nearby instead of going home.” He pulls his backpack tighter around his shoulders, not really meeting Jaehyun’s gaze. “Are you staying in the dorms too?”

Jaehyun nods. “I’m too tired to commute home now. I’ll go tomorrow after our classes.” Then he frowns, remembering the schedule his manager had left them earlier, between breaks. “We don’t have dance practice tomorrow. Only Japanese class or cultural studies if you’re taking them, but not dance practice.”

Taeyong shrugs, ducking his head and kicking a pebble. “A little more practice won’t hurt. I’m going to be the leader of NCT, I can’t afford to slack.”

There it is again, the self-deprecation that eats at Taeyong.

Jaehyun looks at the ground, not really knowing what to say. He and Taeyong have grown close over the years that Jaehyun confides in Taeyong. Taeyong is like an older brother, knowing just a little more, but still young enough to be figuring things out. He stands in a modest middle space, not touching either ends. (To be fair, so is Jaehyun, but at least there are less people looking up to him.) When Taeyong dips into one of these moods, however, Jaehyun is at a loss. He never knows what to say because the words sound empty coming from him, someone who is younger and technically with less experience.

Jaehyun thinks about it, and thinks some more, until a memory surfaces like a warm touch on his shoulder. He turns to Taeyong with determination in his eyes.

“Hyung, I know that you’re going through a lot, a lot more than I can understand because I’m not walking in your shoes, but you have to understand that debuting is not the end. It is the beginning and we have many, many more years ahead of us.”

Taeyong stops in his steps, staring at Jaehyun like he’s grown another head. The bridge of his nose turns red. Oh shit, did Jaehyun cross a line? He stammers, waving his hands vaguely as he backtracks. “I mean. I just mean. I think it’s okay if we take our time and enjoy each day as much as we can. Your happiness is important to me-”

Before he can finish his sentence, ‘as it should equally, if not more, be important to you,’ like the way his father said, Taeyong’s arms swing around his middle, pulling him close as Taeyong buries his nose into Jaehyun’s jacket lapel.

Jaehyun is gobsmacked. Not once in the three years of being with Taeyong, did he initiate this… level of physical contact. In fact, Taeyong usually shies away. So why? _How-_

He feels wetness on his shirt collar, a tremor vibrating through Taeyong’s body, and his thoughts pull to a halt.

His arms curl around Taeyong’s shoulders, his throat is dry like a desert so he says nothing. But he holds Taeyong, holds him tightly as the thin body in his arms shakes with the stress and anxiety of the heavy responsibilities he was bestowed upon, and perhaps something more. Jaehyun holds Taeyong for as long as he can, as long as Taeyong needs.

Around them, the neighbourhood is quiet. It’s late evening, or early morning after all. Yuta, Johnny and Ten have disappeared. Still, Jaehyun pulls Taeyong closer, burying his nose against the underside of Taeyong’s ear.

Eventually, the shaking slowly subsides, the breathing evens out, and Taeyong pulls back to look directly into Jaehyun’s eyes with his soft, self-deprecating smile and says sorry.

Something seizes in Jaehyun’s heart. He holds Taeyong’s hands, stopping him from backing away completely.

“Hyung. I’m here for you. I’ll always be here for you. And it’s not just me. The team, manager-hyungs and everyone else, we’re all here. You’re not alone, so please, if you need anything, talk to me.”

Taeyong ducks his head, growing silent as his breathing becomes more ragged.

Without hesitation, Jaehyun pulls Taeyong into his arms again. They don’t move for a very long time.

(In hindsight, a lot of things become clear from that evening onwards.)

•• •

**PART 3**

• ••

²⁰²⁰

Falling goes something like this.

There have been many changes since 2016 when Taeyong, Doyoung, Ten, Mark, and Jaehyun debuted as NCT U with the track The Seventh Sense. Teams were formed, then taken apart and pieced into other teams, then taken apart and pieced into their original teams again. None of this was stipulated on the contract Jaehyun signed years ago, but no contract can verbally capture this wide change without sitting a lawyer down to comb through the legalities at every turn.

With a sigh, Jaehyun pauses his phone from playing the latest performance of Tiger Inside, released by SuperM in 2020. There is a heaviness in his chest. He wants to think it’s due to Taeyong and Mark being overworked, on top of Taemin-sunbaenim being overworked from his back to back promotions, on top of Kai-sunbaenim’s highly anticipated solo album... but he’s too old to lie to himself.

Taeyong’s consistency is what keeps him on top. Jaehyun has known it for years. It’s why, although he feels bitter, frustrated and frankly a little jealous when Taeyong and Mark were drafted into SuperM, he accepts the announcement of SuperM draftees with as much grace as he can muster.

Jaehyun knew he would not fit in SuperM. He lived with it for a year, where it became a thorn to his side, growing tendrils of resentment and jealousy into his lungs. It wasn’t until he talked to Jungwoo, who quietly shared his admiration for Jaehyun’s resilient and hard working nature, coupled with his colourful, incredibly adaptable voice, that Jaehyun realized the hole he dug himself into. He spent the next year pulling out the thorn, throwing himself into the light where he hosted Inkigayo, worked on his creative writing, learned more pieces on the piano and found new things to learn to add to his arsenal.

Then the pandemic happens.

During the country-wide, heavily suggested lockdown, Jaehyun holes up at the dorms with very little to do. He can’t exercise, play bowling or basketball. He can’t even take a stroll along the Han River lest he gets photographed and lands in hot water with the press and management again. 

He feels stagnant, despite making steady progress with his vocal training and creative writing. He called his parents last weekend, both of them sharing their gripes with the newly implemented structure of education in order to curb the spread of the virus. No education system is prepared for this. The entire world has slowed and changed to adapt. Candidly, his father reminded him of the LPs they bought together on his birthday; Jaehyun takes out his turntable and filters through Aaliyah, Kim Dongryul, Alexander O’neal, before selecting By All Means’ It’s Real LP.

The bluesy, soulful intro of Love Lies softly lifts his mind off his worries, the burning candle lightening the air of his room.

Autumn, huh.

He exhales, sinking into the plush of the seat and pillowing his head with his hands. He glances out the window. The sky is bright and blue and dotted with clouds. The breeze that escapes into the apartment through the crack he left open is clean and crisp, with a hint of earth.

 _I don’t know just what to say_ _  
_ _Except the way I feel today_ _  
_ _We could love or we could play, baby_ _  
_ _I don’t know just where to start_ _  
_ _But baby something’s pulling us apart_ _  
_ _Just try to feel what was in our hearts then, baby_ _  
_ _  
_ _It’s just a feeling I get inside_ _  
_ _I think I’m gonna love you for the rest of my life_ _  
_ _It’s just a feeling I get inside, baby_ _  
_ _And I want you, I want you girl, for the rest of my life_

Jaehyun turns his head, pressing his cheek against his palm, staring at nothing.

Taeyong feels like he’s going further and further away, leaving Jaehyun. In SuperM, his wings spread as far as they can go and he has little hesitation before he jumps- Baekhyun-hyung, Taemin-hyung and Kai-hyung would be there to catch him if he falls. The group dynamics of SuperM and any NCT project is too different, Jaehyun wouldn’t be able to fill it. Plus, it would be unfair to compare himself with seniors who have had a handful more years of experience. He’s already lost once to Chanyeol-hyung…

Jaehyun sighs morosely.

That is how Taeyong finds him, sporting a kicked puppy look and making sad cow eyes at the window.

“Jaehyunnie?”

Jaehyun’s eyes widen. He sits up to greet Taeyong hastily. “Hyung! Hey, what’s up?”

Taeyong takes a long look around the room, then the corners of his mouth dip a little. Still, he manages a crooked smile and says, “Just checking on you. I brought back some macarons and other desserts from the bakery. They’re in the kitchen.”

Jaehyun nods slowly. “Thanks, I’ll come out now.”

Taeyong takes another moment before he narrows his eyes at Jaehyun. “Jaehyunnie?”

“Yes?”

“Are you going through a break up?”

Jaehyun stares at him, too flabbergasted to respond. Finally, he finds his voice. “What?”

“The music, the candle, staring out the window with the saddest face I’ve ever seen you make,” counts Taeyong, ticking a finger down each time he lists a new factor. He meets Jaehyun’s eyes with a concerned look on his face. “If there’s something going on, you can tell me.”

Jaehyun opens his mouth, closes it, then an idea pops into his mind. “Hyung,” he says intently.

Taeyong takes a small step back. “Y-yeah?”

“I’d like to go on a date.”

Taeyong blinks and blinks. It’s all he does for about a minute, then he says, “That’s a great idea! As a vocalist, you should go on dates and get more experience,” Taeyong’s head catches up with his words and he quickly corrects himself, “not, um, not that you should only go on dates for the experience so you can sing about it later but more like, learning how to take care of and love someone and stuff.”

Jaehyun feels his face and ears heat up. _Oh shit, I’m messing it up._ “Hyung, that’s not. Um.” He takes a breath, finding the right words as he calms his rapidly beating heart. “I meant to say: I’d like to go on a date with you.”

Taeyong does something unexpected. He smiles brightly. “Sure!”

Jaehyun perks up, quizzical at Taeyong’s tone. “Sure?”

“Yeah! I’ll help out in any way I can! Johnny and I go on shopping dates all the time, so I can give you some pointers, though I don’t think you need it. Or if you want to talk about life or bitch about sasaengs, I’m down too. Doyoung has been updating me on that situation. It’s probably gotten worse since the announcement of NCT2020, huh? Or, if, um,” Taeyong pauses mid-ramble, like he’s measuring the next words in his mouth before saying it. “If you need dating advice, I’ll do my best. It seems like you worked yourself into a rut here.” He makes a pointed look around the room as _Love Lies_ play in the background. Jaehyun wants to crawl into himself and die. “I’ll listen to all your troubles, okay?”

Jaehyun shakes his head. “Hyung, you got the wrong idea.”

“No, really. I know I haven’t been around for you and the team, but you can always count on me!”

The resolution in Taeyong’s voice has Jaehyun backing off. He smiles awkwardly, feeling a mix of bewilderment and relief; but at the end of the day, Taeyong said yes. That’s progress… right?

“How about this Sunday?”

Taeyong tilts his head, thinking. “Isn’t that tomorrow?”

Jaehyun tries to not look too hopeful. “It’s our only day off before our schedules get packed.”

Taeyong smiles wryly and nods. “Fair. I’ll put it in my calendar.”

Warmth blooms in Jaehyun’s chest, tugging the corners of his lips up. “Awesome. I’ll pick you up at 3 pm.”

Taeyong looks puzzled. “Why 3 pm?”

“There might be some rain in the morning, but it should clear up by the afternoon. Plus, don’t you sleep past 1 pm most days.”

“Who told you?” Taeyong scrunches his face into a sheepish pout. “I need my beauty sleep?”

“You’ve been playing games to blow off the stress and anxiety for years, hyung,” Jaehyun notes lightly, despite the dark implications of his words. “You’re beautiful enough for the whole of NCT2020.”

The teasing tone in his voice makes Taeyong scrunch his nose in a crooked smile. “You sure know what to say to make someone feel special.”

The bottom of Jaehyun’s stomach drops; he backtracks immediately. “Hyung, I meant what I said.”

Taeyong laughs, waving it off. “I’m just kidding. We’re past the age to fish for compliments anyway.” Jaehyun falls silent, shuffling his weight as his brain reels frantically for a reply. Taeyong smiles again, this time wider and more genuine. “I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

Jaehyun opens and closes his mouth, then finally resolving with a firm nod. “3 pm. I’ll be there.”

That. Went. Terribly.

Jaehyun thought he made his intentions clear from the beginning; his compliment sounded genuine to him. What went wrong? He replays the conversation in his head, a lightbulb flickers on. He’ll have to talk to Johnny about calling ‘hanging out platonically’ as dating.

He mulls over plans for tomorrow when Jungwoo steps into the room, doing a double-take the same way Taeyong did. Then his eyes narrow as they meet Jaehyun’s. “Did Taeyong reject you?”

Jaehyun does a double take. “Excuse me?”

Jungwoo blinks. “Oh, that wasn’t it? Nevermind. What happened?”

“Does something need to happen?”

“If you’re listening to By All Means while lighting a candle and staring out the window with a stupid look on your face, which isn’t incredibly unusual I geuss, I would say yes.”

Jaehyun shrugs, ducking his head. “It’s been a long year.”

“You can say that again,” grumbles Jungwoo, stepping into the room cautiously. “I’m ready for this year to be over, not that 2021 is looking up or anything, but there’s some significance to a new year, like a fresh start.”

Jaehyun snorts. “I wouldn’t mind if time sped up. Christmas and New Years can’t come soon enough. I need a break.”

“Oh, true. I could use a break too.” Jungwoo takes off his face mask and carefully throws it out. “So what really happened?”

Jaehyun sighs, weighing his options. On the one hand, the less people involved, the quieter the initial outcome. On the other hand, he still doesn’t know what he said or did wrong, but maybe Jungwoo does. He decides to tell Jungwoo what happened. When he finishes, Jungwoo has a smile on his face. Jaehyun frowns.

“What are you smiling about?”

“Nothing really. I’m just proud you gathered the courage to ask.”

“Right. Did I miss the part where Taeyong took it the wrong way? He offered to give me _dating pointers_.”

Jungwoo shrugs. “It might not be a bad thing. Take them as tips to woo yourself a Taeyong. It’s like learning his love language.”

Jaehyun stares blankly at Jungwoo. “Love language?”

A pause ensues.

“Like, words of affirmation, receiving gifts, spending quality time together, things like that,” explains Jungwoo in a way that makes Jaehyun feel out of the loop. “The idea is that there are five general categories of how a person gives and accepts love, and if you do something that speaks their language you’re making them feel respected and valued. It puts their preference above your actions, making you a more mindful and considerate lover.”

Jaehyun feels slightly overwhelmed. “How do you know about these things?”

“There’s a quiz online,” Jungwoo types something into his phone. “There, I just forwarded the quiz to you. It’s a good guide to figure out what type of love language appeals to you most, and what Taeyong is looking for. Give it a shot.”

Jaehyun furrows his brows at his phone, and spends the rest of the night reading up on love languages.

At 11 pm, he stares at the love languages, the zodiacs, and the planets on his computer monitor and wonders if this is too much research into the stars, as though they somehow hold the secret of his happiness with Taeyong. He groans, rubbing his eyes and closing the tabs. This is too much.

At 12 am, he comes up with a cohesive date plan: afternoon tea with snacks, shopping, a movie, dinner, and finally back to the dorms. It might look like the least imaginative date ever, but he’d rather do things that he’s always done with Taeyong to make the day as comfortable and stress-free as possible. As for the sasaengs and social distancing bylaws, well, he’ll figure it out as he goes.

He gives one look at the love language quiz again, and his results with it:

Quality time - 30%  
Physical touch - 27%  
Words of affirmation - 23%  
Receiving gifts - 13%  
Acts of service - 7%

He sighs, closing tab. It’s nice if he wanted to find out about his own love language, but it doesn’t help him know Taeyong’s love language. Quality time? Taeyong probably enjoys spending time with people he likes, but isn’t that everyone? It’s not like he has that much time to himself anyways, he’s always, always working. Physical touch, that’s probably lower on Taeyong’s list, but then again, Taeyong leans into touches like a kitten…

At that point, Jaehyun’s brain promptly shuts down.

•• •

**PART 4**

• ••

Falling goes something like this.

An hour before the date, Jaehyun drops by the neighbourhood grocery store and picks up a bag of jujubes, a small box of dried persimmons, and some tangerines from Jeju-do. On the way he passes by a small florist, so he picks up a single stalk of a red rose. When he returns to his apartment, he changes into his favourite black jeans, a black YSL belt with a silver buckle, a thin mustard yellow knitted sweater, and his favourite black-grey jean jacket. He snaps on a small gold hoop on both of his ears before giving his reflection a final glance in the mirror.

It’s a quarter to 3 pm, but he doesn’t want to be late; so with his ears bright red and his heart doing rabbit laps in his chest, he brings the rose and grocery bag with him down five stories, and enters the passcode.

No one greets him in the living room; they must be in their own rooms or out. Jaehyun toes off his shoes, nudging it as neatly against the front doorstep before striding in.

“Jaehyunnie, is that you?”

Jaehyun pauses mid-step to see Taeyong’s head pops out from his room, cheeks pink, shoulders bare and also pink-

He immediately turns away. “I came a bit earlier to drop these off. Did I catch you at a bad time?”

“Oh, no, I’m just getting ready. Give me a few minutes!” Taeyong calls over his shoulder as he ducks into his room.

“It’s okay. Take your time.” Jaehyun is amazed his voice is strong, unlike the blush that spreads from his neck to the tips of his ears.

“Hold on a second, is that for me?” Taeyong walks out again with a towel wrapped around his shoulders and loose shorts hanging from the narrow vee of his hips. There is a light wisp of hair training from his belly button to somewhere lower, and this is when Jaehyun’s brain promptly shuts down again. He comes to his senses what feels like a lifetime later.

“Y-yeah. I got you some things.”

 **_Receiving gifts_ ** _; giving a meaningful or thoughtful gift that makes the person you love feel loved and appreciated. Something as simple as picking up their favourite snack can leave a sweet, lasting impression._

Taeyong sweeps the rose from his hand, cooing at the red. “Nice touch! But a red rose symbolizes love, doesn’t it? It might scare the girl if it’s your first date.”

Jaehyun blushes. “What if I’ve known them for a long time?”

Taeyong stares at him for a while, and Jaehyun sees a complex mix of emotions flit across his features. Finally he smiles all crooked and wrong and says, "It might work, if that’s how you really feel.” His expression quickly changes into something bright. “Anyway, I’m about to choose my outfit, wanna help?”

Jaehyun immediately back pedals before the meaning of Taeyong’s words fully settle. “Wear what you want, you’ll look good in anything.”

Taeyong grins widely as pink tints his cheeks, “That’s a good line.”

“It’s not a line,” Jaehyun says, but Taeyong’s ducked back into his room to get changed. Jaehyun stares at the bag of jujubes in his hands wondering if **Receiving gifts** is not Taeyong’s main love language, before putting it away in the kitchen pantry. He’d never put it away if it were his own apartment, but he knows how Taeyong can get if the apartment feels cluttered.

 **_Acts of service_ ** _; if the person you love is practical and works tirelessly around a packed schedule, lacking the time to run errands, helping them with these tasks in the way they like it done can go a long way._

Taeyong emerges in a pair of baggy, washed out, light blue jeans, a baggy grey and white sweater over a black turtleneck and a grey beanie. Their silhouettes are nothing alike, but the look of Taeyong being comfortable in his skin, his clothes makes Jaehyun smile nonetheless.

“That looks toasty,” he compliments with a smile.

 **_Words of affirmation_ ** _; these are words that build up the person you love. It can be something as simple as complimenting on their clothes, their infectious laughter, things that you love about them._

“It is!” Taeyong replies with a bright smile. “It’s getting cold and we have a comeback soon. Can’t afford to get sick. Check out this sweater! I got it from Baekhyun-hyung. Isn’t it so stylish?”

Jaehyun suddenly wants to burn the sweater. He smiles and says, “It looks good on you,” because it does. It makes Taeyong look smaller, somehow, and even more huggable. “Shall we?”

Taeyong nods excitedly. He wedges his feet into a pair of Balenciaga grey track sneakers. “Where are we off to?”

Jaehyun checks the time on his phone. “I was thinking to start with something sweet, and a hot drink.” He meets Taeyong’s eyes and smiles softly. “How does that sound?”

“Great!” Taeyong shouts louder than strictly necessary, as they’re only a foot apart. “Let’s go!!”

They’re sure to secure masks around their faces as they leave the building, hoping that no one’s caught them wandering off on their own, manager or sasaeng. After a minute of speed walking, both Jaehyun and Taeyong turn back to see if anyone is following (there is no one) and eventually relaxes. Taeyong’s laughing, his eyes curling in a delightfully light way, Jaehyun hasn’t seen him this happy in a while. Something in Jaehyun’s chest warms.

“Oh my god, I thought we’d be flagged with how we look. Lucky us!” He sing-songs. Jaehyun can hear his grin from ear to ear without looking over.

“Can’t be too careful. They’re everywhere these days,” he warns quietly, despite the growing smile on his face.

Taeyong tsks. There is a bounce to his steps, his whole body looks lighter. “That’s fine, we’ll deal with it when we have to. I’m just glad to be away from everything! Remember that time we said we were going to the convenience store for a quick snack run and ended up walking all the way to Han River and eating there?”

The delight and nostalgia in Taeyong’s voice has Jaehyun chuckling. “They must’ve known. There’s no way a trip to the convenience store takes two hours.”

“Right? And we thought we were so slick, getting past the managers to get some time to stretch our legs and breathe air that isn’t musky with sweat because wow, ventilation in some of the practice rooms are actually garbage.”

They reach Jaehyun’s choice of café in no time, which is to say Taeyong’s favourite café. Jaehyun thought it would’ve been obvious, Taeyong’s probably made many trips to the café before so he must recognize the neighbourhood, but Taeyong’s eyes light up like the stars when he realizes where they are nonetheless.

“I can’t believe you!” Taeyong laughs, skipping all the way to the doors. Jaehyun follows behind with a smile behind his mask. They order their drinks at the front and settle on the second floor, tucked in a corner where there are fewer people.

“I figured you could use something comforting and familiar. As they say, support local business and all,” explains Jaehyun with a grin. He peels off his jacket, hanging it behind his chair before gesturing for Taeyong to do the same. “I can get that for you.”

Taeyong blinks at his outstretched hand before looking up. “Is this how you’re going to treat your date? You shouldn’t do these things unless you can do it for another decade and then some, you know.”

“You make it sound like I’m not always thoughtful and considerate,” Jaehyun quips with a teasing grin, “or have you already forgotten the times I brought snacks for you when you were arms deep in production?”

Taeyong rolls his eyes. “You’ve done it exactly twice and you never let that go, do you?

“Don’t you like gifts? Weren’t you happy Baekhyun-sunbaenim gave you the sweater?”

Taeyong shrugs, scratching his cheek sheepishly. “It’s nice, I guess. I love gifts, but I wouldn’t rank it above, like, other things.”

Jaehyun tries not to sound too curious when he asks, “Like what?”

The buzzer goes off, and Taeyong leaps to his feet to get their orders. Jaehyun doesn’t realize Taeyong paid until it’s too late. Instead, he helps Taeyong unload the tray, settling the cappuccino and raspberry New York cheesecake in front of Taeyong, and the americano in front of himself.

“Hyung, today’s on me. I asked you out in the first place.”

“You did, but I’m older and according to Korean traditions the person with most seniority pays!”

Jaehyun bites back a smirk. “What seniority? You’ve been letting everyone talk to you informally for years.”

“Why you!” Taeyong threatens to throw his straw at Jaehyun, who follows his outburst with a cheshire grin and says, “Movie and dinner are on me. If you want to treat me, you can ask me out on a date next time.”

Taeyong pouts. “That’s hardly fair! We likely won’t have free time until the beginning of December, but then we’d already be preparing for 2021. Who knows what will be in store for us at that point!”

They share a grin, because they know that 2021 will look similar to 2020 in terms of comebacks, Beyond Live shows, amongst other things. Their managers gave the team a run-through of what to expect in the new years two weeks ago, at the beginning of October. They called it preparing the team for success. Jaehyun thinks everyone’s just taking the next step they see, because nothing that’s happening in the world can be predicted and prepared for. Taeyong agrees with a secretive smile.

They finish their drinks and Taeyong his cake before Jaehyun checks the time.

“We should get going,” he says, putting on his face mask.

Taeyong looks at him curiously, wearing his mask as well. “What else are we going to do?”

“It’s a surprise, but I can tell you if you really want to know.”

“Hmm. I can find out when I get there.” He stands to his feet, collecting their trash and cleaning the table. Jaehyun bends down immediately to help. When they’re done, Taeyong turns to him and nods, “Let’s go?”

Jaehyun reads nervousness in the tense lines of his body and casually looks over his shoulder. Two young women are looking away, down at their phones. They must’ve snapped some pictures when he and Taeyong weren’t looking.

“Okay.”

Their hearts are tight and their footfalls heavy as they leave the café. They don’t speak to each other until a handful of minutes pass, and when they look behind their shoulders there is no one. Taeyong’s shoulders slouch as he sighs loudly. “I just wish that they eventually realize what they’re doing. They have no right to infringe on our personal time just because they want to see us.”

Jaehyun nods tightly, his lips pulling into a grim line. “The things they do to get our attention… it’s a good thing SM has our back.”

“Case by case. If these fans are from different countries you’d have to look at extradition laws before you press charges. Not to mention a slew of other legal jargon that we know nothing about within our own country. We’d have to bring a lawyer in for these kinds of things.”

“If push comes to shove,” mutters Jaehyun, shoving his hands in his pockets.

Taeyong hums quietly in agreement.

Their footsteps slow as they walk side by side, each deep in their own thoughts, until Jaehyun realizes they’ve passed the theatre and have to double back. When they arrive, Taeyong stares up at the bright neon CGV sign and wrinkles his nose as he makes a face. “Really, Jung Jaehyun?”

“I figured the traditional movie and dinner would be the best fool-proof plan,” replies Jaehyun with an easy smile. “Is there a movie you’re interested in? Night of the Undead starts in ten minutes. Tenet starts in an hour. And Mulan in forty minutes.” Taeyong hums thoughtfully, before pointing at Night of the Undead. Jaehyun’s eyebrows rise to his hairline. “You do realize it’s a horror film, right?”

“So?”

“I thought you couldn’t handle horror.”

“I can’t… but I still like it.”

Jaehyun shakes his head. “Don’t come crying to me when you can’t sleep tonight.”

Taeyong makes an upset face, the corners of his mouth pulling downwards as his bottom lip rolls into a pout. “That’s a cruel thing to say. I thought we took an oath when we became a team.”

“It definitely doesn’t include, ‘taking care of a member who was spooked by a horror film’,” Jaehyun replies, smirking. “I can ask Doyoung to draw the contract up-”

“No need,” snips Taeyong. “Just get us the tickets, the movie’s about to start!”

Jaehyun laughs and purchases the tickets from the booth from a gangly teenage girl. She hands them the tickets and a bag of popcorn with suspicious eyes, and Jaehyun tips his head a little to hide his face. “Thanks.”

He returns to Taeyong, who narrows his eyes at the bag of popcorn before glancing behind at the cashier, who is helping another couple with their tickets. “Did she try to hit on you?” Jaehyun shakes his head. “Good.”

It takes three movie previews before Taeyong’s words register to Jaehyun’s brain. By then, Taeyong’s happily munching on popcorn and making small reactions at the trailers. The darkness of the theatre hides Jaehyun’s blushing cheeks. He glances at Taeyong from the corner of his eyes, down at Taeyong’s hands holding the popcorn and gulps. Then he looks back up at Taeyong’s face, from his eyes, to his nose, to his lips.

 **_Physical touch_ ** _; if the person you love feels more safe and connected by touching, try holding hands, hugging, kissing, etc. Some misunderstand the physical touch to be over-the-top PDA; it’s a touch that will make the person you love feel loved, physically and emotionally._

As far as cliche’s go, this probably takes the cake. Oh how he dares...

Taeyong meets his eye with an inquisitive gaze. “Something on my face?”

“Beauty,” Jaehyun whispers, breathless and surprised.

Taeyong blinks, then he doubles over with laughter. “Oh my god I’m totally telling Taemin-hyung you said that! He’s going to be so embarrassed!”

Jaehyun facepalms, grumbling at himself because he should’ve known better than to trust the pick-up lines used in SuperM’s ‘As We Wish’. “You seemed nervous about that last trailer. I tried to lighten the mood.”

Taeyong snickers, shaking his head. “Lighten the mood? Is our Jaehyunnie scared? This movie is supposed to be a horror-comedy though.”

Jaehyun looks away, crossing his arms defensively. “We’ll see who gets the last laugh.”

Half an hour into the movie, Taeyong yelps and covers his eyes with his hands as a zombie jumpscare happens on the silver screen. Popcorn flies everywhere and Jaehyun is for once glad of the social distancing rule. The popcorn did not accidentally hit anyone. He turns to make a snide comment when he feels a soft weight on his shoulder.

Taeyong has rested his head. On Jaehyun’s shoulder. Covering his eyes with his hands but peeking through his fingers. It’s the singular cutest thing Jaehyun’s ever seen. Biting back a smile, and breathing evenly to slow his quickening heartbeat, Jaehyun places a hand on Taeyong’s knee in reassurance.

Taeyong makes a small sound. Jaehyun can’t tell if it’s a good or bad thing, but Taeyong doesn’t try to pull away, so Jaehyun takes it as a sign to stay still until Taeyong is ready to move again. Just like the first time they hugged, in the security veil of the night. Taeyong sighs, settling more comfortably against Jaehyun’s shoulder, and something in Jaehyun’s chest warms delightfully.

After the movie, Taeyong approaches the theatre attendant to apologize for the mess he made, to which the attendant responds by staring blankly, before his coworker nudges him in the ribs. Taeyong laughs sheepishly, and the attendant blushes in embarrassment, scratching the back of his neck before waving off the mess. Jaehyun can empathize.

They leave the theatres making small talk about the film. Jaehyun found it largely entertaining. Taeyong thought the computer graphics were a little too realistic, to which Jaehyun replies sarcastically, _It’s supposed to be realistic, hyung._ Taeyong makes a face and sticks his tongue out at Jaehyun, who chuckles before pointing out that he can’t see the face Taeyong’s trying to make, the mask is blocking everything.

The sky has darkened to a deep indigo, with the moon hanging tall and bright, even though it only shines half-mast. Jaehyun checks his watch again. It’s 6 pm, but the nights are becoming longer.

“Where are we going next?” Taeyong asks, an unexpected lightness to his voice. It makes Jaehyun smile.

“We could go shopping, or get dinner if you’re hungry. How are you feeling?”

“Not bad. I’m not really hungry yet.”

Something lodges in Jaehyun’s stomach, and he tries not to stare at the thin curve of Taeyong’s neck. “That’s okay. We can go to the mall to kill time,” he says with a twisted smile.

Taeyong meets his eyes and grins. “Sounds good.”

They stroll down a street, entering shops they find interesting but ultimately not buying anything, though Taeyong does force Jaehyun into some clothes that he would never choose for himself, like a puffy neon pink jacket and fluffy yellow vest.

“Hyung, why.”

Taeyong has his back turned to Jaehyun, digging through the racks of an eccentric shop. “You won’t know what you like, and what you look good in unless you try!”

“Would you buy this for me?”

“Do you want me to?”

Jaehyun squints at the back of Taeyong’s head. “This isn’t about some online tabloid voting me as the top member who can carry any fashion item, is it?”

“Not at all.”

“You’re avoiding my eyes.”

Taeyong stares at Jaehyun and replies in an even tone, “I’m not.”

To an untrained eye, Taeyong might make a compelling argument. Hell, half of his face is covered, there’s no telling the face he’s making. But Jaehyun just snorts, brushing his hand against the side of Taeyong’s wrist. “Have you forgotten who you’re talking to?”

Taeyong’s eyes melt into something softer (Jaehyun will bet good money that he’s pouting) before he shrugs off Jaehyun’s hand and storms out the door. Jaehyun returns them to the shop clerk before running after Taeyong.

From this perspective, he can’t help but notice Taeyong’s thin frame, accentuated by the baggy clothes.

Being an idol often equates to an uphill battle with body image and food. Both he and Taeyong are all too familiar with the struggle. But Jaehyun’s had more time during the quarantine to give more consideration to his well being, eating and exercising to gain more mass. Taeyong, on the other hand, has always had abysmal eating habits, sleeping habits, exercise habits; basically everything comes and goes like the wave that he rides. Plus, he hasn’t had much time off during quarantine to focus on himself- hell, he hasn’t had much time for himself before they debuted.

He bites back at his comment, and makes a promise to himself to keep an eye out on Taeyong’s food intake, if only for one night.

“Dinner. Do you have any preference?” He asks, finally catching up.

Taeyong ignores him.

“Hyung.”

No response.

Jaehyun turns to his last resort. His voice pitches up a few octaves, threatening to crack. “Hyung, it’s your cutie Jaehyunnie asking you a question.”

Taeyong’s response is immediate. His expression brightens and he replies in an equally high pitched, cute voice. “Oh our Jaehyunnie! What were you asking?”

Jaehyun deadpans. “You idiot.”

Taeyong sneers. “Look who’s talking.”

They glare at each other, before dissolving into chuckles.

“Did you have something planned?”

Jaehyun hums contemplatively. “Dinner by candlelight?” Taeyong makes gagging noises, and Jaehyun laughs. “Alright, fine. Do you have a better idea?”

Taeyong frowns, thinking for a long moment before snapping his fingers. “Actually, yes. Let’s go!”

It takes a bit longer to walk to, but when Jaehyun recognizes the streets and landmarks, he has a feeling where they’ll end up. The teal and orange sign of GS25 flickers at them from a distance. The low waves of Han River fills the silence, almost like a backdrop to a memory.

“You can’t be serious,” he exclaims. Does he really give off the vibe like he can’t afford a classier place? He’s picked up tabs for a thirty-person crew when NCT127 toured North America before, he’s the last person anyone would call a penny-pincher. So why-

Taeyong winks at him. “I’m afraid so.” Jaehyun glances at the familiar convenience store, back at Taeyong. “I’m not sure if it was intentional, but today we did everything we used to do when we were trainees, relatively unknown and can afford the small luxuries like anonymity. This is the final nail in the coffin.”

The doubt in Jaehyun’s mind eases immediately. “As long as you’re happy,” he says genuinely, pressing the button to open the door.

Taeyong doesn’t reply; he drifts into a low hum as he scans the instant noodles on the shelf, before picking his favourite brand- _Jin ramen_ and bringing it to Jaehyun. He also loads on a pack of tomatoes, strawberry Pocky, and a can of Cass (with Chanyeol-hyung and Sehun-hyung plastered on the side). Jaehyun stares at Taeyong’s order and wisely keeps his thoughts to himself. He picks out a packet of Jjapaghetti, a bottle of Pocari Sweat, a can of Cass as well.

The cashier rings their orders up before gesturing to the chairs on the side. “We only have indoor seating. The outdoor seating is in the process of being replaced.”

Jaehyun looks surprised. “What happened to them?”

“They got old and brittle. One of the chairs collapsed the other day, so we sent everything back to be replaced.”

Jaehyun nods his thanks as he collects his food. Taeyong helps him with the instant noodles, going to the hot water station to cook the noodles. After a few minutes, they settle at the table furthest from the public eye, in the corner at the back. Jaehyun makes an effort to put his phone away. He wants this night to be with Taeyong and Taeyong only.

 **_Quality time_ ** _; give the person you love your undivided attention. Drop the phone, take a walk and spend time doing things they enjoy. Something as simple as taking a walk could be a great way to spend quality time together._

Taeyong bites into a strawberry as he waits for his noodles to cook. Jaehyun wordlessly collects his and Taeyong’s masks, carefully folding them into a clean paper towel, before setting it aside.

“Change, huh?”

Jaehyun cracks open a can of Cass before handing it to Taeyong. “One of the two constants in life, I guess.”

Taeyong hums, lifting the can of Cass to his mouth. “What’s the other? Taxes?”

“My love for you,” Jaehyun bites back a smirk when Taeyong chokes on the beer. It probably isn’t due to the taste, but Jaehyun can make an argument for it. “It’s gravity, actually.”

“You… really… are laying it on thick tonight, aren’t you?” Taeyong coughs, clearing his throat loudly.

“We’re on a date, aren’t we?”

“Are we?” Jaehyun slowly meets Taeyong’s eyes, and Taeyong blushes. “Oh.”

Jaehyun smiles softly, ignoring the bitterness that settles in his chest. “The change probably hit me hardest when I filmed ‘It’s Awkward but It’s Okay’ with Jisung. He’s grown up so much, right in front of me but I didn’t even notice until he’s, well, as tall as I am. It’s a strange feeling when the time that’s passed is as apparent as Jisung’s growth spurt.”

“I know what you mean,” continues Taeyong, eager to move on. “To be honest I feel the same way when I see Donghyuck and Mark. They were so small back then. Jisung was basically a bean.”

Jaehyun laughs. “He’s now grown into a beanstalk. How fitting.”

“The only members that don’t seem to have changed from their core are Doyoung, Johnny and Taeil. They’ve grown stronger, fitting more tightly to their personalities and grounding everyone else. Yuta, too, is doing something similar. He’s become stronger, more confident in his place in the world, fulfilling their potential in challenging but ultimately rewarding ways.”

The ramen timer goes off, and they dig in. In the middle, Taeyong wordlessly hands over his bowl of soupy ramen while Jaehyun takes one last slurp of his jjapaghetti before following suit.

“Ah, yes. This is the taste,” groans Jaehyun, taking a sip of the soup.

“I haven’t had jjapaghetti in such a long time I almost forgot how addictive it was,” adds Taeyong, munching on noodles. “This brings back the memories.”

Jaehyun hums softly in agreement. He stares at the red, soupy ramen for a moment before turning to Taeyong and asks, “Are you happy?”

“Right at this moment? Or just in general?”

“Either. Both.”

“Hm,” Taeyong puffs his cheek up, pursing his lips into a small pout. “I think I’m happy. I’m doing what I’ve always wanted to do. Whether the public recognizes it, I’m hitting all of the achievements I’ve set for myself. I am, at the very least, satisfied with everything so far. And on a persona level,” he takes a short pause, like tasting his words before speaking, “I think I can do better.”

Jaehyun raises an eyebrow. “How?”

“Just. I don’t want to look the gift horse in the mouth. I know if I ever want to go into music production I have a team that will support me and I can learn from. I have an entire team that will encourage me to pursue whatever I want to pursue. I have a good support system at home, especially my sister and my nephew. But I can’t help but think there’s more to life than work and family.”

“A relationship,” Jaehyun supplies, his voice a little dull.

“Yeah, that,” Taeyong admits, scratching his jaw shyly like he didn’t catch the change in Jaehyun’s voice. “I haven’t really had the time to date. I haven’t had the time to meet anyone. It’s always been work, with speckled family time here and there.” Then he catches the pained expression on Jaehyun’s face and quickly backtracks. “Not- of course, that I don’t consider my teammates my family, but it’s different. Y’know? Even Boa sunbae-nim feels different from my family. That was probably when I discovered that no matter how much I reach out to connect with our members, the work, everything else, it’s not the same as family, which is to be expected.”

Jaehyun nods slowly. “What about dating?”

“What about it?”

“Have you ever thought of it? According to the fans you’ve had a fling with Royal Dive-hyung. That or you’re together with one of the members,” explains Jaehyun, trying to not allude to the fact that he’s heard rumours of him and Taeyong being in a relationship. “Does that frustrate or inconvenience you in any way?”

“Not at all. I haven’t had any time for myself, much less dating someone else. If anything, I find it amusing when fans speculate that I’m dating anyone at all. It’s almost like they don’t realize my schedule is packed from day to night with, well, creating music that will eventually live on their playlist for months, if not years.”

That earns a bitter smile on Jaehyun’s face. “The music industry moves far too quickly these days. No one remembers the musician, only the music, and only for a brief period of time.”

“All the more unfortunate,” agrees Taeyong with a nod. He sighs, suddenly looking his age and older than the persona he dons when facing the public. “It’s just the way things are. We’re one among the many, easy to forget. The entire industry is going to work itself to the bone for a sliver of recognition. The advantage we have is that we’re a part of SM, and if Super Junior-hyungs are anything to go by, we still have a chance of work after we complete our mandatory enlistment.”

Jaehyun huffs, finishing the last bites of food. “It’s definitely not easy.”

Taeyong blinks out of his reverie. “How are your vocal lessons going? I heard you’ll be displaying new vocal colours in this album, again.”

Jaehyun shrugs. “As well as can be, to be honest. I’m just doing my best to match my vocals to the concepts we’ve decided on.”

“Would be nice if the fans recognized the amount of effort we put into self-improvement in each album, hm?” asks Taeyong.

“Yeah,” admits Jaehyun. “Like you, I don’t want to look the gift horse in the mouth. But it’s hard when you’ve worked on more than just your physique, but nine of the ten comments focus on the physique and nothing else.”

“I know what you mean.”

“Still, this project will be interesting, if nothing else.”

“Easier when there are twenty two others who have your back, huh?”

“Fans can cry favoritism and unfairness all they want. It doesn’t change the company and brand’s direction.”

They clink beer cans to that.

“Not to mention the sasaengs,” Jaehyun says casually. This earns a smirk from Taeyong.

“You saw that one just now, right?”

Jaehyun shrugs. “Hard to miss when their cameras are out and flashing bright light.”

They sigh, and clink beer cans again. Jaehyun’s almost done his drink, and Taeyong’s about halfway, but his cheeks are rosy and his eyes are glassy and tired, so Jaehyun finishes the rest of the beer and separates all trash into their appropriate disposal bins. They move like they always have, old friends who know each other too well, who have experienced too much together to forget what it’s like to live with each other, even though they’ve spent less time together in the last two years. The body doesn’t forget.

Jaehyun’s phone rings as they leave the GS25. It’s their manager asking where they are. Instead of picking up Jaehyun types a message to the manager, saying that they’re on their way back to the dorms, and closes the phone. It just doesn’t feel right to interrupt the conversation, the atmosphere they have; whether it’s related to the love language or not.

When he looks up, he sees Taeyong’s heavy eyes slide from the phone in his hands to his mouth, nose, and eyes.

“Who was that?” Taeyong asks lightly, a soft smile to his lips.

Jaehyun reads right through it. “It was manager-hyung. He was wondering where we’d gone off to. Jungwoo’s helped hold them back for this long.”

“A real friend. He deserves a medal of honour. Like, if there was a medal of honour to commemorate those who stop a third-wheeling situation on a date.”

“So this is a date,” Jaehyun repeats casually, despite his heart pounding faster and faster in his chest.

It’s met with silence initially, before Taeyong meets his eyes and smiles humorlessly. “What are you trying to play here?”

Jaehyun wonders if he should tell the truth.

The night’s drawing to an end. There may never be another chance to spend time with Taeyong, with just the two of them. They may go separate paths, lead separate lives, enlist in different years and work on different projects henceforth. They may never get the chance, if he doesn’t take this.

Jaehyun inhales slowly, then says, “I’m not playing. Never was. Lee Taeyong, I like you.”

In a moment of bravery, throwing caution to the wind, taking a leap of faith, Jaehyun reaches to hold Taeyong’s hand. He waits for Taeyong to say something, do something, but Taeyong just stares at him like he’s never seen him before.

Jaehyun feels lightheaded from not breathing, counting the seconds that his heartbeat pounds in his chest as though he’s had a few drinks and tipsy. If admitting his feelings is vulnerable and the only way to get his emotions across, he will gladly do what it takes.

Maybe Taeyong’s never considered Jaehyun that way. Maybe Taeyong only feels platonically towards Jaehyun. Maybe he’s overstepped some boundaries. But the ball is in Taeyong’s court now.

Finally, what feels like an eternity later, he feels the slightest squeeze back, before Taeyong threads his fingers between Jaehyun’s clasping their hands together much more sturdily. Jaehyun thinks that not even a tornado can rip them apart at this very moment. The feelings in his heart ratchet to fireworks, cliché as it sounds. His heart races in his ears, his face completely pink.

“That was bold,” comments Taeyong with a small, genuine grin. “What if someone caught it on camera?”

“Let them. We can deal with the noise when it comes.”

“Even the hail storm from the tabloids, our country?”

“Yes.”

“And our company, our teammates?”

“All of them. Love is love, isn’t it? I shouldn’t be afraid, shouldn’t need to hide.”

Taeyong ducks his head, his smile wobbling something fierce. A dagger stabs into Jaehyun’s heart and he thinks, shit, he’s fucked it up again.

“Before,” a soft breath, “you take this as a rejection, as a leader of a boy group and, well, everything, it’s a little. It’s very. It. Us being together would put too many things we care about at risk.”

Jaehyun gapes. “You knew.”

“I was told by Yuta, Johnny, Haechan and Taeil at points in my life.”

“About me?”

“What, no! About me!”

Jaehyun blanks.

Taeyong chuckles darkly at Jaehyun’s expression. “You’re not the only one with the ability to love. I just, I feel the same way for you. I have for a while. But I’ve had no chance to say anything, do anything. We were participating in front-of-camera shows before we even knew we were officially drafted into NCT. Hell, I didn’t think I was going to debut after the scandal broke out. Five years down the road, we all know them to be mostly false allegations with fabricated evidence. But,” he takes a shaky breath, “we never know.”

Jaehyun understands what Taeyong doesn’t say: the future will be difficult to overcome, even without their budding relationship. To add this to the list of things to be wary of is…

“I know. It’s been seven years since I’ve known you, but I know, more surely than gravity or change being the two constants, that we can work through anything together, as long as we talk it out.”

For a moment, Taeyong only stares at Jaehyun, like taking his word and measuring them against the truth scale. Jaehyun’s hand around Taeyong’s does not loosen, which is why he’s tugged close when Taeyong pulls him close into a tight hug.

“I really don’t deserve you, Jung Jaehyun. How do you have the courage to face everything?”

“I believe in us. I can have the courage for both of us, as long as you promise to meet me here, wherever I am, so we can take on this path together.”

“That was so fucking cheesy.”

“Shut up, you enjoyed it.”

Taeyong laughs, burying his face into the crook of Jaehyun’s neck. In turn, Jaehyun pulls Taeyong closer until his arms are wrapped securely around the other, and he breathes in the light lavender scent. After all these years, it's the same Lee Taeyong inside.

“SM has no idea what to do with you, or how great you really are. Neither do the fans, not really,” he whispers fiercely into Taeyong’s ear.

“The same goes for you,” replies Taeyong, tightening his grip around Jaehyun’s shoulders.

They stay in the position for another minute, before breaking apart.

Jaehyun grins from ear to ear, unable to hide the happiness that all but erupts from his heart, threatening to spill into every recess of his body. His hand slips into Taeyong’s grip again, and they naturally, instinctively fold their fingers around each other’s hands like they’ve always done it.

“Hyung?”

“Hm?”

“I’m going to walk you home now.”

“It’s your home too.”

“Shush, stop interrupting. I’m going to walk you home now, and when I get to your door, I’m going to kiss you good night, and also ask for a second date. How does that sound?”

“...oh. I. Um.”

“If it makes you uncomfortable, I can-”  
“I guess it depends on how good you kiss me good night then.”

“...excuse me?”

“What? A good night kiss. Isn’t that how all good dates end?”

“...hyung.”

They end up getting back to their apartment much later than expected. If anyone notices the redness on their cheeks and lips, they don’t comment on it.

Taeyong and Jaehyun wash up and tucker into Taeyong’s room, since he has the luxury of having the room to himself. Taeyong sidles up to Jaehyun, squeezing as close as possible even though the twin bed can fit both of them comfortably, if a little snug. Still, Taeyong presses his cheek against Jaehyun’s cheek, nuzzling his nose against Jaehyun’s chin like a content cat. Jaehyun hums softly, lowly, preening at the contact and blatant display of affection.

“Promise me to stay happy and healthy.”

Jaehyun’s arms swing around Taeyong’s middle. Taeyong can’t help but snuggle into the warm line of Jaehyun’s body, reveling in the warmth Jaehyun offers on this cold, fall evening.

“Keep me this way, and I’ll promise to do the same for you.”

_Take care of me, indefinitely, until forever._

•• •

**PART 5**

• ••

Falling goes something like this.

“By the way, hyung?”

“Hm?”

“What is your love language?”

“Do you mean like dirty talk? Or Wayv’s song, Love Talk?”

“...nevermind. Good night, hyung.”

“Goodnight, Jaehyunnie.”


End file.
